Small Steps

There was a time when my advice was sage. Students sought my wisdom. There was a time I was actually mature. Can you regress? I think stress makes us regress.

Slowly I've been weening myself OUT of stressful situations. I find, now, I'm much more joyful (though still thoroughly bitter and cynical and angry). I find, now, I can remember details. I find, now, I can form complete sentences. There was a time during which I was under so much stress I couldn't remember common words. I still struggle. The other day I was instructing my husband how to make mac-and-cheese (very very healthy, I am quite aware); I was trying to get him to use a sauce pan but all I could think of was: "Get the mop, and in that add 2 cups of water." The mop being the sauce pan. It took me a good 5 minutes to remember the words sauce pan. I was emotionally abused by various people during my entire lifetime. I guess I'm one of those people other dominate figures LOVE to push down. And each of them located themselves in church leadership. Therefore, I'm bitter and jaded and cynical and angry. But, small steps, in a loving, gracious environment, are helping me.

Other small steps that have been helping me: saying "No". After I resigned from my last job in ministry, I vowed to NEVER do ANYTHING out of OBLIGATION again. Ministry gets you stuck in this awful dichotomy of following God and following the final clause of most ministry contracts: Other duties assigned by pastor. That is edit: can be THE MOST abusive clause one is held to. A single human being has the opporunity to express his or her free-will control over you and the only thing stopping him or her is hopefully his or her reliance and interaction with an all loving God; in the situations in which I have worked, it seemed to me that the goal was control and not the work of Christ. end edit. There are no limits to the requests you will receive, and by contract you are required to do them. I call that rape. (Being made aware that this is a strong word, "rape", I do not justify it's use, but say only: for the situations I've been a part of, and my inability to say no, I felt it was justified. To say that it's an emotional word would minimalize those who have been raped. But I do not retract it.) But that's my bitter-jaded side. I find that Christmas is the worst season for that clause too. Last year I was engaged to be married. I wanted so badly to spend my Christmas morning at church with my soon-to-be husband in his town (about 30 minutes from where I lived at the time) with his family. My immediate supervisor was out of town (second year in a row). I knew no students would be in the church I worked for that day (I was a student minister); we also didn't have Sunday School. I, therefore, wrote the Senior Pastor and asked if I might spend Christmas day with my fiance and his family. The response was something to the effect of: "We need a pastoral presence at our church Sunday morning, therefore, I would like you to be there." I was pissed. Well, I made Nik (my now husband) meet me in my town and we went to church together. When I arrived, our Senior Pastor was not there. I didn't realize he TOO was out of town. The "pastoral presence" consisted of me, and the offitiating pastor and the offitiating deacon (both who were on stage the entire service). There were probably 3 (out of a possible 50) students there, with their families. As soon as church was over, Nik and I drove seperate cars all the way to his town.

Abuse of authority and blatant hypocrisy. I hate it.

Small steps. I've stopped reading my Bible. I haven't read it in about 9 months. (You need to understand, I have a love affair with my Bible; I have read it so many times. I have scribbled theology all over it. I've scribbled little reminders of God's love and promises all over it. I've even scribbled inside jokes in it from my various places of ministry. It's a beautiful, beautiful reminder of how much I loved God and my faith at one point.)

Anyway, a friend of mine was really struggling the other day. She used to meditate. I suggested she restart meditating by taking small steps: 15 minutes a day, sitting quietly, capturing all her thoughts and banishing them, replacing that void with some good single thought: I am lovely, I am beautiful, I am good, etc. Then it dawned on me. God has been beckoning me to read scripture again. So, for the past two mornings, I've been reading through the Gospel of Matthew. I keep running late to work as a result, but somehow I know God's word will heal my bitter, jaded, cynicism. And somehow God's word will soften my anger. It always does.

What small steps do you need to take today?

Take them! Babies don't learn to walk unless they take a step. A small step.